so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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