the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
