I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
