I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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