my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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