i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
