I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
