Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize