she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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