i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
