I want to make a zoo with you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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