I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
