My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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