We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
