I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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