My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
