he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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