We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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