Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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