No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
