Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
