I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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