Will you blow on my dice?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
