why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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