I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
