so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
