When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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