clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
