I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
