sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
