I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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