dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
