your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
