i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
