you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
