Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
