Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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