Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
