I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize