I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
