I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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