you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
