So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
