Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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