dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
