My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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