After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
