today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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