My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
