This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
