u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
