3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
