singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
