I'm so fucking centered right now
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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