I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
