Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
