apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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