I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
