Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
sarcasm needs its own font
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm sobbing to NWA
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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