he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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