I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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