I can text with my tongue
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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